The Boy Who Hated Girls

"The Boy Who Hated Girls" is a short story first published in its original form in The Saturday Evening Post on March 31, 1956. It was reprinted with a rewritten second half in the collections Bagombo Snuff Box in 1999 and Complete Stories in 2017.

Plot Summary

After school on a Wednesday night, George M. Helmholtz, the head of the music department at Lincoln High School, is practicing marching with 16 year old Bert Higgens. Helmholtz had previously given him special tutoring—which Helmholtz can only do for five students at a time—while Bert worked his way through C and B Band the previous two years. Having advanced to the highest band, Bert now takes lessons from Larry Fink, the best trumpet teacher in town.

Although a member of the prestigious Ten Square Band for three months, the previous week Bert wandered out of formation while the band performed at a game and now while practicing with Helmholtz marches in "flappingly" uncoordinated ways. Nonetheless, Helmholtz is undeterred and attempts to boost Bert's confidence, although he also admits he can't practice with him more in the future since a new boy, Norton Shakely, has taken his old Wednesday night tutoring spot. Helmholtz is concerned about Bert's sudden change and wonders if it might be related to a girl, Charlotte, that he's seen with Bert. However, Bert says he has no interest in her and "hate[s] the way she talks sometimes." Remembering that Bert's father left the home several years before and his mother is seldom around, Helmholtz offers to take Bert out for a hamburger and soda and some table tennis before driving him home like they used to do after every Wednesday night practice.

The next day Bert and Helmholtz are in the office of Miss Peach, the school nurse, looking for a medical explanation for why Bert "blacked out" at the game and marched out of formation, leading everyone to laugh at him. Meanwhile, Assistant Principle Stewart Haley comes into accuse first Miss Peach and eventually the spendthrift Helmholtz about the purchase of two hundred yards of glow-in-the-dark silver nylon ribbon. Helmholtz says it's so the Ten Square Band can write out words in longhand instead of simple block letters. Now ignored by everyone, Bert leaves, pushing past a concerned Charlotte. Having learned more about their relationship, Miss Peach confronts Helmholtz for toying with students' emotions and developing a fatherly relationship to get them to be at their best in the band. She tells him that Bert deliberately made a public mistake just to get Helmholtz to pay attention to him again. Although he believes he's done nothing wrong, Helmholtz nonetheless feels an uncertain sense of guilt and calls Larry Fink who tells him that Bert never practiced, wasn't very fond of music, and was drunk for the first time at last week's game.

Shocked at this, Helmholtz looks back at the thousand boys he'd taught though the years and with whom he developed a relationship. Several had gone down bad paths in life and very few kept in touch after graduation. Helmholtz asks Bert to see him after school with the intent of encouraging him to pursue a relationship with Charlotte. However, Bert returns his trumpet and says the reason he used to dislike Charlotte is because she said Helmholtz was disconnected from reality, constantly thought about music, and only cared about music, not people, a position she developed from stories told by the many band members she has dated. To test this, Bert intentionally acted drunk while Helmholtz gave him marching lessons to see if he would care. All the while, Helmholtz tries to suppress The 1812 Overture from playing in his head. At the end of the day, Helmholtz returns to Miss Peach's office needing to talk.

Original Version

In preparing the various stories of Bagombo Snuff Box for republication, Vonnegut found that this story, "The Powder-Blue Dragon", and "Hal Irwin's Magic Lamp" were upsetting "because the premise and the characters of each were so promising, and the denouement so asinine." As such, he rewrote these stories to some extent, calling them "fakes on the order of Piltdown Man, half human being, half the orangutan I used to be."

For "The Boy Who Hated Girls", the first half of the story through the meeting with Miss Peach remains largely unchanged, although certain subtle differences exist. For example, Bert's attitude toward Charlotte is originally more indifferent than the borderline hostility shown in the rewrite. Also in the original, Haley comes in to directly confront Helmholtz about the ribbon purchase, not first questioning Miss Peach.

Beginning with the phone conversation with Larry Fink, the two versions sharply divulge. While this discussion exists in both, in the original Fink reveals Bert's musical ineptitude and that his skill can only have come from a desire to please Helmholtz. Charlotte is revealed to be always waiting outside during Bert's lessons. No mention is made of Bert being drunk. After hanging up, Charlotte asks if she can attend rehearsal. Helmholtz allows this and as they enter the room they see band members cutting up and painting ribbon for the longhand display. During rehearsal, Bert plays sloppily and with irritation.

For the second half of class, the band goes to the parking lot for formation practice while Charlotte follows. While setting up the ribbons for the longhand display, Helmholtz makes his way into the ranks of the band which he has never done before. He approaches Bert showing great personal concern and says that to keep his marching in line, he's going to tie him with a yard of ribbon to another band member. Publicly embarrassed, Bert storms into the band room, followed by Helmholtz and Charlotte. Saying he can never face his band mates again, Bert halfheartedly quits the band. Seeing understanding in Charlotte's eyes, Helmholtz wishes him well on "things closer to your talents, things that are more fun for you." Bert and Charlotte leave together and Helmholtz returns to the Ten Square Band while Norton Shakely, his new student, looks on the practice longingly.

Quotes

"It costs much less to make things glow in the dark than most people realize." George M. Helmholtz