Church of God the Utterly Indifferent

The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent was a religion founded by Winston Niles Rumfoord, with the assistance of Salo the Tralfamadorian, at the end of the Martian War. Its primary belief was that God, being eternal and all-powerful, has no need for the worship and devotion of humans, who should instead concern themselves with other human beings. Within three years it quickly accumulated three billion followers in no small part because Rumfoord as its main prophet was able to accurately predict future events due to having entered a chrono-synclastic infundibulum. Its appeal was furthered by the dramatics of the new religion and the fact that not only was Rumfoord "capable of telling the future and fighting the cruelest inequalities of all, inequalities of luck—but his supply of dumbfounding new sensations was inexhaustible."

Origins

Rumfoord was the primary designer of the Martian War and funded it from his personal wealth. Human beings from Earth were taken to Mars and deprived of their autonomy by radio control, then sent back to fight a war against their former planet. Mars' soldier were ill-equipped in terms of weaponry and other resources and, due to being radio controlled, became uncoordinated and disorganized whenever a platoon's controlling commander was killed. Upon landing, most Martian forces were easily and brutally defeated, with the final wave of the invasion fleet consisting of unarmed women and children. As Rumfoord had expected, the war became stripped of glory and planet-wide shame began to set it. In his own words, he realized that "[a]ny man who would change the World in a significant way must have showmanship, a genial willingness to shed other people's blood, and a plausible new religion to introduce during the brief period of repentance and horror that usually follows bloodshed."

As an additional consequence of Rumfoord entering the chrono-synclastic infundibulum, he would materialize on Earth every 59 days. Appearing on the final day of the Martian War at his former estate in Newport, Rhode Island, he declared that the Martian war dead were saints who had sacrificed themselves so that humanity might be united as "one people—joyful, fraternal, and proud." He proclaimed that his new religion, The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent, would end national division, war, envy, fear, and hate. To prove the superiority of his new religion, Rumfoord predicted fifty future events which came to pass exactly as described. Despite his importance to the religion and ability to foresee events conceptualized by humans as the "future," Rumfoord never declared himself God or any other sort of divine figure.

Teachings

During his materialization on the final day of the Martian War, Rumfoord proclaimed that the two chief teachings of The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent were, first, that "[p]uny man can do nothing at all to help or please God Almighty" and, second, that "Luck is not the hand of God." These two teachings were written in gold letters on a blue field on the flag of the church. Rumfoord's own bedspread at his home on Titan read "God does not care." He exemplified these lessons with a "parable" about Malachi Constant, born the richest child on Earth the same day various other misfortunes and benefits happened to a wide spectrum of people. He also warned against listening to people who claim to know what God wants and implored his listeners to learn about the Spanish Inquisition. He promised to rematerialize next with a Bible revised for the modern world.

This book, The Winston Niles Rumfoord Authorized Revised Bible, became the best-selling book of its era. It opened: "In the beginning, God became the Heaven and the Earth... And God said, 'Let Me be light,' and He was light." Rumfoord was also the author of a recitation commonly performed during services on the first Sunday of every month, which was meant to "define the position of [Rumfoord] with respect to his ministers, the position of his ministers with respect to their flocks, and the position of everybody with respect to God":

I am not your father. Rather call me brother. But I am not your brother. Rather call me son. But I am not your son. Rather call me a dog. But I am not your dog. Rather call me a flea on your dog. But I am not a flea. Rather call me a germ on a flea on your dog. As a germ on a flea on your dog, I am eager to serve you in any way I can, just as you are willing to serve God Almighty, Creator of the Universe.

Congregants then slapped their hands together, "killing the imaginary germ-infested flea." Such devout members essentially functioned as the "disciplinary arm of the Church" which relied on "the righteous displeasure of crowds" that could quickly turn hostile to any intimations that someone might be special in the eyes of God or otherwise deliberately and specifically lucky. Popular power by the church could be so pervasive in some areas that public funds could be used, for example, to adorn fire trucks with religious symbols. Such crowds, however, tended not to be "crowd-minded" but retained their own individual consciences, nor did Rumfoord, when present, encourage crowds to act as one.

Practices

Church members voluntarily engaged in the practice of self-handicapping. The most common handicaps were heavy bags of lead shot tied around the ankles and wrists and slabs of iron over the back and chest of those with physical strength and advantage. Some handicaps of the more devout included women of great physical beauty utilizing bad clothing, posture, and makeup; those with excellent eyesight wearing distorting glasses; and people deliberately marrying partners incompatible in terms of sex drive, intelligence, interests, etc. The practice was meant to make "the race of life" more equitable and stop people from taking advantage of each other and profiting from mere random luck.

Both businesses and private homes of believers would display, hanging by the neck using a noose, a small plastic doll known as a "Malachi" which represented "a repellent way of life that was no more." A special type made of high-impact plastic was available only at the concession stands outside the Rumfoord estate, which had become a pilgrimage site, and to display one was to proclaim to have made the journey. Featuring movable joints and rhinestone eyes, they were sold by a Martian war veteran named Bee and her son Chrono from a booth across from the estate for three dollars, initially costing 27 cents from a religious supply house. The dolls were named after Malachi Constant, who used his extensive wealth, which he attributed to luck that was evidence of his special place in the universe, merely to satisfy bodily desires, unconcerned about how unearned his wealth was. Despite his status as a symbol of what was horrible about humanity, few church members attached this to a real human being and saw hanging a Malachi as a harmless religious act.

In addition to the Malachi, other objects available at concession stands included models of the Rumfoord estate's famous fountain, a toy Martian space ship replica of one on display atop a ninety-eight foot column on the Rumfoord grounds, Robin Hood-style hats with Rumfoord's face on one side and sailboat on the other with feathers on which a person's name could be stitched, and twittering mechanical birds. The twenty concession stands were all run by Martian war veterans who, while broadly supportive of the new religion, felt disinterested in its practices since their sacrifice had been the foundation of its development. The concessions stands would close five minutes before materializations, announced by a large steam whistle, with the event itself announced by the firing of a three-inch cannon. They reopened ten minutes after the last traces of Rumfoord and his dog Kazak disappeared, which was accompanied by the release of a thousand toy balloons. Pilgrims would particularly crowd the estate during materializations, when they could number in the thousands. Within the estate a complex layout of ramps and platforms was constructed such that Rumfoord could address the crowd from different vantage points, along with occasional guests who would join him on the walkways.

The Space Wanderer

One of Rumfoord most significant prophecies was that a lone straggler from the Army of Mars known as the Space Wanderer would appear at the Barnstable First Church of God the Utterly Indifferent, thereafter also known as "The Church of the Weary Space Wanderer." Hanging from a nail driven into an oak post behind the pulpit was a coat hanger encrusted with semi-precious stones from which hung a special suit of clothes in a transparent bag. This clothing, which had orange question marks a foot high both front and back, was "one piece, lemon-yellow, rubberized, closed by a zipper, and ideally skin-tight" such that it would correctly fit only the Space Wanderer, who would arrive naked. His name would be unknown until revealed by Rumfoord himself. At the time of the Space Wanderer's arrival, the church was led by the 49 year old Reverend C. Horner Redwine.

Upon his arrival, known as the Great Day of the Space Wanderer, the people of West Barnstable celebrated. The West Barnstable Volunteer Fire Department, largely made of members from Redwine's church, used the fire engine as "the only vehicle remotely glorious enough for the Space Wanderer." Ten sounds of the alarm atop the fire house would announced his arrival and the church bell would be rung, loudly declaring what Rumfoord stated all bells say: "NO HELL, NO HELL!" Given the suit and having made the statements he was prophesied to make, the Space Wanderer was taken from West Barnstable, greeting adoring crowds along the way, to the Rumfoord estate in Newport, Rhode Island, where a materialization was soon due to begin. Rumfoord questioned the Space Wanderer, who vaguely remembered the fountain of the estate and having met Rumfoord and his dog before on Mars. Rumfoord then brought up Bee and Chrono, whom he identified as the Space Wanderer's mate and child.

With the three of them on display, Rumfoord revealed that the Space Wanderer was in fact Malachi Constant, once the richest man on Earth who previously visited this estate, and now "a central symbol of wrong-headedness for a perfectly enormous religious sect." Declaring the all of Constant's "flamboyant errors are errors that human beings have made since the beginning of time," Rumfoord told him that he will voluntarily board the Martian ship on the estate grounds, which will take him to Saturn's moon of Titan along with "all mistaken ideas about the meaning of luck, all misused wealth and power, and all disgusting pastimes." The purpose of such an act was to provide the church with "a drama of dignified self-sacrifice to remember and ponder through all time." Although initially hesitant, when Constant was informed that while on Mars he unknowingly executed his only friend, Stony Stevenson, he dejectedly entered the space ship. Rumfoord then further revealed Bee was Beatrice Rumfoord, his wife, whom Constant raped on the way to Mars, conceiving Chrono. Rumfoord invited the religion's devotees to now despise the example of Beatrice Rumfoord—who, from her "excesses of reluctance," refused to interact with a world she found filthy and contaminated—just as they had done with Constant, because both of them believed that God saw them as something special, Constant because of his wealth, Beatrice Rumfoord because of her superior breeding. While Beatrice and Chrono also entered the space ship, they did so much more defiantly, declaring to Rumfoord that the "human race is a scummy thing, and so is Earth, and so are you."

Quotes

"I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all." Malachi Constant, a.k.a. the Space Wanderer

"Oh, my happy, handicapped brethren, let us thank God—God, who appreciates our thanks as much as the mighty Mississippi appreciates a raindrop." Winston Niles Rumfoord

"To us of the Church of God the Utterly Indifferent, there is nothing more cruel, more dangerous, more blasphemous that a man can do than to believe... that luck, good or bad, is the hand of God! Luck, good or bad, is not the hand of God. Luck is the way the wind swirls and the dust settles eons after God has passed by." Winston Niles Rumfoord

See Also

• "Harrison Bergeron" in which by 2081 equality promoting handicaps are mandated by law